Stronger Than I Am
by Baby Rose
Summary: She misses him so much...the only thing that drives her to keep living is their baby girl. The pairing? It's your guess. Please R and R.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Final Fantasy VIII or any of its characters. I also do not own the song by Lee Ann Womack titled, "Stronger Than I Am."

**Author's Note: **I intentionally wrote this rather cryptically, because I've always wanted to try to do a fic like that, and see if I do an okay job of making you try to guess who "you" and "she" are and what happened to them before the end. So let me know how I do, okie day?

_**Stronger Than I Am**_

It's been one year, six months, twelve days, and thirteen hours since you left.

You left us. You left me, and you left her, left us to fend for ourselves, and make it by without your love or your care. How could you do that to us? You knew we needed you, I _told _you we needed you. I've always needed you, you know that. I've always been weak in some form, no matter what sort of façade I've tried to put on. But here I sit, alone, watching as she plays with the toys you bought her for the first and last Christmas she would spend with you.

I see so much of you in her. It pains me every day to look in her eyes, to watch her move. It's painful to see my daughter every day because of you. These days I've mastered the art of hiding those emotions, but they're still under the surface. Those tears still fall invisibly down my cheeks. I've created a routine for myself, and for her, that gets me through the day.

_Things around here haven't changed much_

_It's all pretty much the same stuff day after day_

_The only thing that keeps me going_

_Seems to be our baby girl I'm trying to raise_

Without her, I'm not sure where I'd be. Walking through the day like a zombie, institutionalized...hell, I might've ended it all that day you left if I didn't have her to live for. But I put on a smile for her; I take her places and force myself to interact with the outside world for her sake. Not for my own.

I feel so contemptuous toward you. I feel contemptuous toward them; they took you away from me. They made you leave us, I know they did. As much as they try to deny it, they were the ones who made you leave. And I don't remember what possessed me to allow it to happen.

It's hard in so many ways without you here. You don't know how hard it is to raise an infant by yourself. Hyne, how could you know? You were never around to try it, even before you left. Believe me, it's not easy. It could be far worse, she's actually well-behaved most of the time, but it would be so much simpler if you were here to help me. But you're not. I just hope I'm doing a fair job of raising her.

_She's my life, my morning angel_

_Always seems to find the rainbow after the rain_

_Lately she's so busy growing_

_I don't think she even knows you've gone away_

She was so attached to you. Wanted you to feed her, wanted you to change her, wanted you to play with her and tease her. Why did you take that away from her? She asked for you most of the first year. Hyne, that was difficult. Telling her you weren't coming back and that you wouldn't be doing those things for her any longer was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, save...

But she eventually accepted the fact that you wouldn't be coming back. She's moved on from missing you every day, from wishing you were here. Gradually, I replaced you in her life. Can you even imagine? I've _replaced _you. She's over you. She still loves you, but that love doesn't consume her.

I wish I could say the same.

_She finally learned to say goodbye_

_She's sleepin' through the night_

_She don't wake up cryin'_

_And she's walkin' on her own_

_She don't need no one_

_Holdin' to her hand_

_And I hate to admit_

_She's stronger than I am_

It was your dream. You were living out your dream, and I know that. I know how much it meant to you, and I know how hard you worked to be a SeeD. I watched you struggle every day when you were still at Garden. I also know you didn't really have a choice. You were trying to do the best for us...but you _knew_; somewhere deep inside, I believe you knew what would happen. You had to have known before you walked out that door what would happen.

Why didn't I stop you? That's a good question. Honestly, I've wondered that question for so many months and hours; wracked my brain for an answer. But I couldn't even begin to explain. I couldn't possibly give you an excuse that would make my behavior excusable that day.

After the many hours that I've wondered, the only reason I can possibly come up with is that I was so numb by that time that nothing registered. I couldn't fathom why you would leave us that way. I was no longer thinking clearly, and my mind, at that time, was so full of thoughts that nothing had room to come out of my mouth. I'm so sorry. If I hadn't been so cold, so unfeeling, maybe...

No.

_She ain't crackin' under pressure_

_First one step and then another_

_She goes along_

_And if she falls and skins her knee_

_She cries awhile, then smiles at me_

_And just goes on_

You missed her first steps. Remember when she started to crawl? Remember how excited we were for her? I knew you were about to cry, I could see it in your eyes. You held on that time, but I know you would've caved when she started to walk. If you had seen me...it was nearly embarrassing, how much I cried. But part of that could've been because I thought of you, and the fact that you were missing it all.

I don't understand how she can get up and walk every day. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, and she makes a beeline for her toys as soon as the sun creeps over the hills. It seems as if I can't perform the simplest of tasks any longer. It scares me how incompetent I've become at times. It scares me how dependent I was upon you, and how lost I am without you. You've ruined me.

It feels wrong to say you've betrayed us, but that's how I feel. You broke your promise to me, and she was included in that promise, so you broke your promise to her as well. I know I shouldn't blame you, I know I shouldn't blame them, but I don't have any one else to put at fault. Should I blame myself? For allowing you to leave, for not stopping you and telling you I loved you and couldn't bear to see you go? I can't do that. If I blamed myself...I truly would fall apart.

_So many things that she can teach me_

_Full of life and so completely innocent_

_She still says she loves her daddy_

_Goes on just like nothin' happened_

_Forgives and forgets_

Day after day, I wish you were still here. I wish you'd come back, tell me it was all okay, and love me the way you did before all of this happened. I wish it could be the same. But it never will be. Your daughter will never know her daddy the way I knew him, and she'll never truly have two parents. She will always miss that feeling.

I wish I could say I've forgiven you. But how can I? When I feel this way consistently, with every second that passes, how can I forgive you? In time, this wound that is open and infected will close. Maybe then I can begin to forgive the way you've broken Callista and me. But I cannot see that day coming in the near future.

_She finally learned to say goodbye_

_She's sleepin' through the night_

_She don't wake up cryin'_

_And she's walkin' on her own_

_She don't need no one_

_Holdin' to her hand_

_And I hate to admit_

_She's stronger than I am_

You'd be so proud of her. She's doing wonderfully on her own, and I predict that she'll continue to do wonderfully, with or without my help. She's not only similar to you in traits and actions, but also in personality. She's so independent, which will make for rough teenage years. Raising her will be the hardest thing I've ever done. Save...

_She's just like her old man_

Save putting my wedding ring in your empty casket, Seifer Almasy. You will never know the pain I felt that day. The pain that will haunt me for the rest of my life, until the day I die with you.

_Stronger than I am..._


End file.
